dim bulb in a dark world

love

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:55:17 GMT

I rolled in the advanced class. Now that I am a blue belt I need to really step up-- it is a good motivator-- Robert taught the classes today and it was awesome! I love you ms. cooper and I think yu should take a "night off" and come find me. I want to feel your warmth again. It will be hard work but love and patience, an open heart and mind will make it all okay.

Going to Shane and emils for a bit. I will got to see Avatar tomorrow in some sort of altered state at the IMAX Marqee whatever on silber with Shane etal and then back home. Come love me andi and I will show you what love feels like again. . . .

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 13:52:49 GMT

I love you andi. I go up to Austin for family christmas on monday. I expect to see you very soon. You are about to restore yourself and start on the path. I do not take that lightly. You can run to my arms Andi, I will be here. Text or call or come by or don't but know you are very welcome and I love you very much and want to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet face again. Your heart needs healing and now, after all this I am strong and whole again. This time is important but you have certain deadlines. I really hope you are looking for a place of your own right now since you once told me how easy it was to get a place. Then it would seem all three of us (hobert, me, you)will be in our own environments which is good I think. But in the meantime-- if you can't do that know I really will store your stuff for as long as you need but you will have to talk to me. . . .

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:51:10 GMT

I doubt nothing now. It is too powerful to deny. I am sitting in front of heights branch library (since I have not net at the house) and my visionary time frame was within minutes. just jotting this down to keep a log of it. Damn. I love you Andi and what a love that is. Sorry for the slight egoism in here but I think I really have earned it, and a bit of respect. I really appreciate our time together and the very important influence you have had. I will always love you.

I understand all of it

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:29:46 GMT

Tonight I finally understand everything I didn't all along. What an incredible realization. Andi I will wait until you come. You know this is the time, you feel it inside you, turn back to the halcyon days and see my face, then decide. Test yourself, test your pattern. I have learned so much it is amazing. You really do exactly the same thing everytime but this time you weren't prepared for how you would feel. I will wait.

The girls are circling me Andi and I want to give you the chance to see me before I go. I have not cut my hair nor beard since we parted. Who is dedicated to you Andi? I understand now that it is not that kid. You lied to me even about that it appears. But I don't care, you know what your feelings are. I was, and still am right about everything, every single thing you denied, everything I was right. But none of that matters what matters is I care about you and you are still in my heart because the universe bids it for a reason and so I abide, but you need to show me something, you owe everyone that much, especially me, especially you. Dig deep prove me wrong and carry on, or come to my arms like you want to in the depths of your person, come to your jej, come to your stringbean, for he is the only one who never, ever used you. I recall the boy's texts Andi, he used you and does still, and you, you don't love him at all, that is not a place to remain. Not with me perhaps, but definitely not with emptiness in your heart. Love is all I have and it is yours you know this already. Why did you run, why did you repeat all your mistakes and begin to make ever increasingly bad ones? Why? You do not need to be afraid. You cloak yourself in illusion but your fear has actually increased. At least talk, I have no judgements for you lass, only love. Good bye.

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 19:03:09 GMT

I am a blue belt. I accomplished what I saw, and how important it is. Tomorrow is the day of return. When it becomes clear I suppose. I stand apart and wait for the coming time. I am here. I need not write any more on this. My love is a given.

Andi I have something you want and need, even still. You know what I mean. Especially now against so many denials you know precisely what I mean. It will haunt you until you do something about it. Covering it up doesn't work, burying it doesn't work, using someone else doesn't work, I am there still-- my role inside you is so specific, you know what you desire. You know where to find me, and find me you should because the time where I will not be pursued and taken is drawing slowly closed. That is all I can say right now. Yours.

After all it is finally done for me

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:33:58 GMT

I am resolute. I have expressed about all I can here. For now I consign it all to the fates. I have not been obsessed I have been deliberate in moving to a place where I can let it all go without regret. I am done. I am here I am but it is up to you to let go of your attitudes or completely sever ties. Unfriend me from the sites, let go of me finally. Or step up that is all I can say. We have to begin from scratch if you decide to step up. There is not an "us" it requires some level of honest communication. I have done what I could. . . I love you Cooper. I really hope you reconcile your life and do what is right, really right

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:59:58 GMT

Any hard words are said because I love you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you, especially if I could make some kind of impact. I felt you earlier as I walked around. Here are some pictures from my adventure. Damn I love you and based on all I know and all I feel you and I are meant to have importance in each other's life and we have much to accomplish together. . . break your pattern Andi. What is it going to take to make a change for the better in your world? I am here. Take my hand. I will be at my apt. most of this week I think. Definately tomorrow after one class. I will probably check in on the web and then back home. Be tough, be strong come see me-- you know I have great wisdom and love for you. I have no expectations. You must let go of your preconceptions-- things are different for me, this is a critical and important time, more important than me being in love with you, but I will not lie, I am, and I will be for a bit I think, but I am your friend and I care for you. How would you feel if someone you considered your friend was doing what you are doing and you knew it was not a good thing? It would be one thing if you were in balance and moderating-- but you are in conflict and you know what, I think the core of your conflict is about your love for me. . .don't worry Andi, I love you very much.

Adventure

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:59:44 GMT

Going on an adventure. Where are yours Andi? In place of exploration you have substituted drunkenness. Are you doomed to repeat your parents mistakes? I hope not. I love you too much to give up on you yet.

I'll post my adventure later.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 01:08:00 GMT

Will you Andi?

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 23:10:37 GMT

I pay month to month-- you know what that means. Find a place, and tell me about it, if it is good I am in, planning ahead. Be strong Andi, be strong and do the hard thing, you will not regret it.

My dumb musings

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 23:04:00 GMT

"When my beard is long and my hair is gray she will come to me on that day"

Man I care so much it is rough. Come a yonder Andi. I think I will make a fire. You are a free woman right? You can see and talk to whomever-- come talk to me Andi. Have I faltered once? No. I love you. It really is no more complicated than that. You are ruled by fear still it is really vexing. Ah, I push you because I love you. I will take a knee tonight Andi and maybe you will know it in your heart, come hear my words and let me hear yours. Can you not lay down your fears for one moment-- for the good of so many? I love you. You are safe, and you know I understand you so well-- and you me in many ways still I suppose-- let's bring it all back home. Come. Remember it. It was better than what you feel now isn't it? You can always lie to yourself Andi, but lies won't help you finally take responsibility for all of it. Turn it all around, see my face.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:31:29 GMT

I was thinking about being 'dissolute.' Man Andi what road are you on huh? You are seriously fucking up and it is time to grow out of childish junk. I am a man not a boy and I love you. Come to me tonight. I have something to ask you. I will see you soon i hope if not tonight. Bring some smoke let's talk about the future and the ways of the world and all you aspire to and all you want. Share a dream will me, share the truths of your soul with the only one who is really still here. You know it too don't you? You see it? Well, you have my number and know where I am.

The truth will out

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:18:55 GMT

Well, I texted her a bunch but now-- no apologies-- I will no longer apologize for doing what is necessary and right. Bottom line is I believe my predictions will come to pass-- last night was good. It really inspired me to reach out to her. I feel like no on else is really her friend, really loves her, and that is not BS. I am at this point only sure that I love her unconditionally but beyond that I can think about much because we are not connected directly. So I again put out there what I think needed to be communicated-- right or wrong. I will no longer communicate via email though. Better to say it in words. I really hope she comes to see me. I think it will be the best thing for both of us! My new phone is cool. It has camera good. I miss my Andi, what happened to her? Where did she go? Is she still in there? I hope so because she is so amaxing she just doesn't love herself enough to be a responsible woman-- but I love you enough Andi and I meant it. All of it.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 06:59:40 GMT

Very interesting events this evening. serendipitous, etc. went to see robert with shane and then decided to trip and then heard you were going to the ufc. Amazing. I expect to see you soon. That is all I will say here. And I do love you

Read this!

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 01:34:08 GMT

had some revelations about things. simply put we should talk. going on a "journey" tonight with shane and emily--need to see around the corner. You have time andi. you know the answer already and I say yes. Think about that yes and all that it means, seriously. Until later. and spend time with yourself, with your thoughts and really think. I do love you. And i am true.

me

success but I still have no phone

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 03:21:48 GMT

My case was dismissed. I went to t-get and got teas tea. Things are coming together. I ate tuna and left with computer in hand to the library to check in. I had to go back to get my power supply and the cats were all looking at me-- they know! I love you ms. cooper. Come to me. I so want to run to you. I think I might-- tonight. I am a little unsure I sort of need you to tell me it is ok?! I work tomorrow and then I am off and then I go with shane to get a new phone. . . I so want to see you!! Lights in the heights! I told michelle I was going to come to the party If you came it would be awesome but I would not expect you to want to be there a little jiu jitsuey. But I want to be where ever you are! I will check tomorrow. . . . Man I am about to come to your house! Come to me!

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 23:09:07 GMT

I love you.

I do.

And I am the one.

i remember what we were doing a year ago these nights and it is hot. You are hot. I miss your face girl, It makes me sad to be honest, I need a hug sweetheart.

Court tonight and work tomorrow. I will get a new phone I think tomorrow, going to take shane with me since he got his stolen at gunpoint and needs a new phone too.

Library postin'

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 04:37:09 GMT

First, I love you. That will be what you hear when you wake up and when you go to sleep and during the day, and on, always. Second, my plan changed a bit. I felt the need to work more so I stayed a bit to roll with ryan one-armed-- it was good work. Yoga has been making me strong. I am ready for goodness!! I go back in moments to apartment. . . One song,hmm, I am ready! So ready for you darlin'

We start slow. Step by step.

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:29:53 GMT

Don't want to cart-before-the-horse-it. . . I am happily hopeful that is all. Going to class I, and then food, and then back to Apt. Court at 7pm Fri then I am free. I am probably going to the party UFC 107, but if you contact me, I am all yours. If we take things step by step, slowly, everything will be good. I have learned a great deal, and have made some fundamental changes, I want you to feel totally secure that is primary, I love you very much and I never haven't, in fact shock and loss and hurt is all that has been present but certainly no lack of understanding or love for you. We have naught but time and we should take it. I will see you soon my friend, and small girl you are my friend, and I am yours. I am yours.

You are so missed :(

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:23:07 GMT

When you find your way back to me-- I will be ready. I love you miss c.
I lit a nice fire and I am thinking about you. You love me, you know me, and now I think you understand. Everything will be so amazing. I will see you! I am happy!

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:08:34 GMT

Emils birthday tomorrow. I did more work in the studio culling stuff. I will get there. Some things worth doing right take time. now its time for bubble bath. I want you in my arms, in my bed, in my life, you are the girl andi, come and take my hand, I wonder if you are scared, I will come to you before o'er long, but you reach out ok? I love you. I looked at your pictures today and all I could think about was how right my heart is! I am hopeful!

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 02:32:57 GMT

Had a really good yoga workout even though I couldn't train. Court on Friday, sat. the gym party, I will probably go to see the fight, I expect to hear from my love. I feel the turmoil but at this point my view is inconsequential. Andi you know there is only compassion, understanding, gentleness, and love. The choice is easy-- yes it will be special, specially nerve inducing, but just for a moment, once we embrace, there will be us. Us. What a beautiful thought.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:40:48 GMT

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 21:27:43 GMT

No class tonight my arm is killing me. My sciatic and ankle seem better but my arm keeps getting aggravated. Probably best to rest it. I will be back out taking care of boodles. Dad got her a puppy bed to sleep on and she loves it! He got a really good deal on it-- cheap. I feel it today too so much. It is starting from level ground girl-- it is about building. What is amazing too is how much I want her and love her-- it is not about being unsure-- that is gone. It is about pure feeling and potential without fear or misunderstanding. I hope you know too if you come to me-- you will never have to explain anything or say anything you don't want to. We, we will start together, and there need not be complications, I love you okay? I want you to feel secure. There is so much more I want to say but I can't until/ unless we see each other. At least giving us a fair chance is something worthwhile. I will meditate tonight and be peaceful. I love you andi! And you know you are always, always welcome with no expectations or explanations needed. Just come or call.Oh my darlin' sugarfoot

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:25:04 GMT