Had to wake up before I wanted to. Oh the memories of being spooned up next to the girl-- in those moments when she wasn't processing-- were so lovely and pure and real. The casualties of choice. . . .
Go to train with Robert I guess. I imagine we will meet at APW or somewhere. I was surprised to actually get an email.
Some people have troubling way of communicating--I should never, ever, ever have texted the girl, and probably not have emailed her either. I see it as a clear difference in levels and attitudes relating to interpreting words and using them. This makes great sense given that very rarely (if ever) has she written me more than a page of text and I wonder if my longer writing was read in its entirety. So doesn't matter. I will certainly leave the door of possibilities open but it is really hard based on her history with males to not just write it all off as some flimsy, girlish whim of fickleness and re-read all the books and listen to all the songs that tell the same story, over and over again.
I suppose if you believe a lie you tell yourself and hide from truths whatever they may be and you go through so many failed but intimate relationships that had real consequences you will come up with some standard tracts and lines of thought that you think will work to clear you, and of course behavior is important too. Then you never have to face any consequences-- you walk away and start over. Except the mistake with me is. I am me. Walk away, hide, you know I won't see you unless you come to want it, but you feel me, and your pattern, your process are known to me and I know the power of words and images very well and I know you, better than any of your other suitors-- I am sure of that, so in the end I know you will always feel me. You surround yourself with me. And even recasting me as the becoming obsessive or acting inappropriately isn't right because you know the truth. The objects of power I gave you are powerful totemic gifts of love, and I absolutely believe (against what I should maybe) that you are worthy of those protective objects, you are-- but they still are conduits. You sleep in the bed I made and that is enough. You take everything so lightly and hold on to so much. The only way to be completely free of me is to come to me with an open heart and we will see what exists between us-- if the feeling is not strong "cara a cara," then we will both be on a better plane, able to have an understanding which will serve us well.
Get in touch-- my "romantic feelings" are transformed-- yesterday I felt something so powerful it literally made me pause and take notice. . .but even this feeling I will box up. . . Andi I want to do all that you have asked and at this point seeing you is not about goodbyes.
To be completely honest that was only an aspect of my request and your answer shows you know it. In fact you know everything. It is the same place you were in some months ago that I am certain of. Humbly I submit can you never know? Will you be alright not knowing what you will feel when you see me again? Will you be alright always feeling that thing you just can't bury, can't push out and away? And can you know that you never did something that was easy, simple, human, and also so hard so that someone you injured could finally be free, someone that you claimed to have so much tenderness and lasting loving care for could believe that was true because you physically prove it to him? I believe you are that person and I must because I know it. I know what makes you do this stuff-- and you will keep doing it as long as you stay away from me-- I mean to a degree me, or whomever is a bit symbolic but I was unique among your number and all the conflict and the question proves it. Curses to the Universe, but yesterday in the museum I felt the thing you saw in one of your visions of the future-- a thing so powerful and different, something neither of us have familiarity with directly, but that powerful thing was cosmically beautiful, it is not something to fear, it might seem that way to a young, unsure girl whose parents set the examples, and it might to a man-boy who had great examples, and romantic ideals, but no tools of experience. We fit together Andi it is frustratingly perfect. . .alas.
I really do hope you will calm down, calmate! and see me sometime not long from now. OR at least dig deep and explore within, go out solo and hold yourself up without some male always there to provide an accounting for you. Enable your own growth. And listen to your music you have a powerful musical awareness it is truly touching to me and helps me know you, and it helps me understand and learn about myself and the tragic, unfathomable(!) nature of humans, girls, and lovers.
You are the girl of my dreams, you are the girl of my desires, you are the girl of my heart, and you know what? I love you. And I say this Andi, you broke it you bought it, and no backs, come back friend and guide me. Literally guide me. I want you to really get the fact that I have been here (unwanted or really wanted but rejected for girl reasons of "good enough" and "I will hurt you worse" and substituted for a vapid, inane, weak, or generally disappointingly douchey dude) so much that I could have tea and crumpets with you and any boy, and I could be super cool with them too with no conceit because until I saw "it" I would know (capital know) it wasn't going to last, and then on to the next one. . . all the while being right there, the right one, the fire still inside you. In fact it is almost best to have been super light and mellow-- then I am always there to compare the next one to, or to question your choice. Sadly, I was intimately, completely in love with you, am so, and the "hold on tightly let go lightly" thing was unlikely to occur not now, not after my loss, and such a long time truly alone. There is learning here for me for sure. So I hope you might understand a bit more, and soften a bit. Andi it is not weakness, or a chink in the armor, the thing I ask of you, it is simply the right thing to do for me because you have known and do know I deserve both more and better treatment.
The sad or difficult thing is while there is so much we don't know about each other because we invested our time in intimacy under difficult circumstances, we also know each other impossibly well, in fact so well that it does burn a bit. Who else can either of us say that about? It really was just the beginning of something that had much promise however I now do believe this hard break up (well hard for me) was in fact very necessary--not to move on away from the us, but to clean it all out, to decontaminate, to get all the questions, and the answers and the other feelings out, then as you said "as more complete people" (though that term still bugs a bit), as open and honest and understanding people without fear, to come together and build new foundations upon the firm ground of intimate sharing. I know I needed to be free of fear, anxiety, pressure, sense of unavoidable loss, etc. and I needed to heal my mind body connection, and trust you sexually which I couldn't do then for obvious reasons. The wonderful thing is through it all I love you and it is such a real love that every time I want to let my old security blanket of anger and hatred serve me again, the love is there making that all go away. I want to be angry because it is easy-- as easy as sticking to a pattern and telling yourself that it is the right thing to do for yourself-- when the right thing is to be selfless and loving while building strength through independence. It is to believe in valuable things, the real, the deep, not the superficial and inconsequential. The self is maintained by not letting yourself get into trouble in the first place. "I don't know's" and "I feel bad" should rarely need to be uttered if you are aware of the self, and love the self. Being a good person is not about intention, it is about more than that, it is about honesty to self, and honesty in action, and that is hard for the best people out there. In the end the way is clear and not hard to follow.
The path of love is hard for those of us who are prone to weakness pretending it's strength. I know that I only wanted to be in a relationship I took totally seriously. I mean that at the highest level. People are fragile even when tough and I above all else respect myself, always. I will never enter into any kind of relationship, from simple friend or acquaintance, to friend, to lover, to love, lightly, it is far too easy to play those games and while there is learning there, there are many ways to learn about humans without damaging them, or yourself in the process. And I have years of being alone to prove it, because no matter where you go or who you surround yourself with or what you convince yourself of, you are always there, you can't run from your heart. I suppose you can try, but it seems like eventually you would learn that doesn't work, what the heck do I know? I was a warrior monk, a 34 year old virgin who trusted a girl, and gave his heart to her, let her take his innocence away, let her teach him so much, showed him beauty, and fear, and loss, and pain, and amazing care and love, who helped to restore much the war of life had taken from him, and she gave him something he never had, faith that a woman could find him attractive enough to act on it, and this damn thing makes me cry still. I love you Andi and I am sorry that love is so hard a thing for you, but I am here and true. Consider what I have said here, take me more seriously than you have because the tides of my feelings have calmed considerably and I am still jej, still your stringbean, I am, in fact I never haven't been, certainly much is changed but Andi it is you, you who run and hide, and sunder, and shift, I am the pup outside the store-- nothing more or less (except richer in painful learning) than I am. I am me.