dim bulb in a dark world

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
Lao Tzu

All difficult things have their origin in that which is easy, and great things in that which is small.
Lao Tzu

Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Lao Tzu

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.
Lao Tzu

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.
Lao Tzu

The words of truth are always paradoxical.
Lao Tzu

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
Lao Tzu

The power of intuitive understanding will protect you from harm until the end of your days.
Lao Tzu

Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.
Lao Tzu

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.
Lao Tzu

The softest things in the world overcome the hardest things in the world.
Lao Tzu

Fate leads him who follows it, and drags him who resist.
Plutarch

We ought not to treat living creatures like shoes or household belongings, which when worn with use we throw away.
Plutarch

I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.
Plutarch

Character is determined more by the lack of certain experiences than by those one has had.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Does wisdom perhaps appear on the earth as a raven which is inspired by the smell of carrion?
Friedrich Nietzsche


For water continually dropping will wear hard rocks hollow.
Plutarch

http://www.warmhearts.co.uk/horoscope/41%20cancer%20aquarius.shtml


This is simply too true on too many levels, I wish I had had this perspective earlier-- even as a foil. I wish I had been not so caught up in our moments that I could have seen what to do beyond what I thought was right. Maybe nothing I could have done would have mattered-- especially when no chance to find out what is real and true is given, but at least I might have considered some different things. I thought we could work it all out-- I needed advice and didn't realize it-- I tried to hope that my effort and my love would be enough, but in a space with limited and limiting communication, in a place with little faith, and not enough knowledge, that probably wasn't ever going to be the case. Luckily I have learned, and I hope you know Andi being with you for me was key to my offers and decisions, unconditional love leads to compromise and that kind of compromise builds strength and creates bonds. I would have been anywhere with you, and as long as I knew, knew I had your love, and honesty, I would have been truly happy, and if you were engaged and happy, and enjoying yourself, and were happy to have me along-- I would have loved the adventure. Savannah was the key Andi-- you and I outside the rarefied environment of "you" or "I" facing all your questions in one adventure and you getting to see the truth face to face not the imagined truth or predeterminations.

Drinking mate, trying not to lose sight of how hard life can be for some people (mine despite loss has been amazing, beautiful, pretty mellow). Watching some wierd british show called hex about witches and demons and stuff. Tomorrow surf! I will make another small movie if I can. I think I understand things now better. It was all about what I have said all along: thinking you know versus knowing for sure. I always want to know for sure-- so many paradoxes, so many contradictions, I guess I know this: females are mysteries, wrapped in enigmas, wrapped in sweaters, and I am just a simple, chaste knight. . . and I do love her, christ that hurts me on so many levels.

I am going to remain totally committed to being both open but separate. She is still totally connected and involved. Sever the ties or don't Andi-- I feel you out there, intent in your self toward me, and obviously I am sending the clear signal of my love.

Today it seems apparent finally that you have so so far to go in your growth and we could not have been together successfully. The future who knows, it probably won't matter then too much, I will have firmly moved on out of necessity. You are still (likely) so absorbed with being right, thinking you know, that you have it all figured out, and that you know the other person better than they know themselves! All our problems, at least from my biased view, are linked to this. You don't know until you know! Give the benefit of the doubt, find out don't assume, give people the chance to prove you wrong and then really know!! How often you must be filled with the tension which comes from thinking you know best or better than those who know, and how serious it must be when their view is shown to be true-- that is why you ran, you could not bear to be wrong or to even find out through experience the real truth-- it would force you to question everything!

I think I need to just box up my love and put it in storage, hidden away, until you are ready, you have to have a person in your life who perhaps sycophantically will never offer challenge, always provide the ego stroke that seems to say, "You are fine don't worry about it." That is not fair to you or your growth. SO when and if, if, you ever want the gift of my love, a love I will set aside and hold for you alone, I will give that gift when you are ready, and you will be welcome into my heart and my world openly. I see now that that time is perhaps years away. I hope not but I will do this. Then you won't be as concerned with things. I am not wrong Andi, maybe misguided here or there but my knowledge and understanding of you isn't me deciding how you are, or looking at it and thinking I know, you have shown it, proved it, demonstrated that I am right, across the board and in almost everything. I am not a simpleton, I have a developed sense of self, a keen awareness, intellect and experience, and I am balanced with understanding , a willingness to admit faults and mistakes and a desire to learn and grow, it is because of this I know my views on you are not about desire, or loss, or bias (I already acknowledge my biases) they are the facts. That is why I wish you would prove me wrong it would be awesome because it would mean this girl I love is true and warm and good, just a bit hurt is all. . . .I do want the best for you Andi, the problem is you don't and you don't want anyone ever who loves you to tell you you are wrong when you are.

I can see why you would create space, distance-- you know my heart is open to you.

When you are ready.

I know you are doing what you need to do right now. . . and I know none of this is easy for you.

<>

Miguel Trujillo got in touch with me. He is a good egg. Saw some pictures of his kids, they are good too. It would be cool if D- and his daughter could play together sometime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fj9E3Gvp2qQ

Had to wake up before I wanted to. Oh the memories of being spooned up next to the girl-- in those moments when she wasn't processing-- were so lovely and pure and real. The casualties of choice. . . .

Go to train with Robert I guess. I imagine we will meet at APW or somewhere. I was surprised to actually get an email.

Some people have troubling way of communicating--I should never, ever, ever have texted the girl, and probably not have emailed her either. I see it as a clear difference in levels and attitudes relating to interpreting words and using them. This makes great sense given that very rarely (if ever) has she written me more than a page of text and I wonder if my longer writing was read in its entirety. So doesn't matter. I will certainly leave the door of possibilities open but it is really hard based on her history with males to not just write it all off as some flimsy, girlish whim of fickleness and re-read all the books and listen to all the songs that tell the same story, over and over again.

I suppose if you believe a lie you tell yourself and hide from truths whatever they may be and you go through so many failed but intimate relationships that had real consequences you will come up with some standard tracts and lines of thought that you think will work to clear you, and of course behavior is important too. Then you never have to face any consequences-- you walk away and start over. Except the mistake with me is. I am me. Walk away, hide, you know I won't see you unless you come to want it, but you feel me, and your pattern, your process are known to me and I know the power of words and images very well and I know you, better than any of your other suitors-- I am sure of that, so in the end I know you will always feel me. You surround yourself with me. And even recasting me as the becoming obsessive or acting inappropriately isn't right because you know the truth. The objects of power I gave you are powerful totemic gifts of love, and I absolutely believe (against what I should maybe) that you are worthy of those protective objects, you are-- but they still are conduits. You sleep in the bed I made and that is enough. You take everything so lightly and hold on to so much. The only way to be completely free of me is to come to me with an open heart and we will see what exists between us-- if the feeling is not strong "cara a cara," then we will both be on a better plane, able to have an understanding which will serve us well.

Get in touch-- my "romantic feelings" are transformed-- yesterday I felt something so powerful it literally made me pause and take notice. . .but even this feeling I will box up. . . Andi I want to do all that you have asked and at this point seeing you is not about goodbyes.

To be completely honest that was only an aspect of my request and your answer shows you know it. In fact you know everything. It is the same place you were in some months ago that I am certain of. Humbly I submit can you never know? Will you be alright not knowing what you will feel when you see me again? Will you be alright always feeling that thing you just can't bury, can't push out and away? And can you know that you never did something that was easy, simple, human, and also so hard so that someone you injured could finally be free, someone that you claimed to have so much tenderness and lasting loving care for could believe that was true because you physically prove it to him? I believe you are that person and I must because I know it. I know what makes you do this stuff-- and you will keep doing it as long as you stay away from me-- I mean to a degree me, or whomever is a bit symbolic but I was unique among your number and all the conflict and the question proves it. Curses to the Universe, but yesterday in the museum I felt the thing you saw in one of your visions of the future-- a thing so powerful and different, something neither of us have familiarity with directly, but that powerful thing was cosmically beautiful, it is not something to fear, it might seem that way to a young, unsure girl whose parents set the examples, and it might to a man-boy who had great examples, and romantic ideals, but no tools of experience. We fit together Andi it is frustratingly perfect. . .alas.

I really do hope you will calm down, calmate! and see me sometime not long from now. OR at least dig deep and explore within, go out solo and hold yourself up without some male always there to provide an accounting for you. Enable your own growth. And listen to your music you have a powerful musical awareness it is truly touching to me and helps me know you, and it helps me understand and learn about myself and the tragic, unfathomable(!) nature of humans, girls, and lovers.

You are the girl of my dreams, you are the girl of my desires, you are the girl of my heart, and you know what? I love you. And I say this Andi, you broke it you bought it, and no backs, come back friend and guide me. Literally guide me. I want you to really get the fact that I have been here (unwanted or really wanted but rejected for girl reasons of "good enough" and "I will hurt you worse" and substituted for a vapid, inane, weak, or generally disappointingly douchey dude) so much that I could have tea and crumpets with you and any boy, and I could be super cool with them too with no conceit because until I saw "it" I would know (capital know) it wasn't going to last, and then on to the next one. . . all the while being right there, the right one, the fire still inside you. In fact it is almost best to have been super light and mellow-- then I am always there to compare the next one to, or to question your choice. Sadly, I was intimately, completely in love with you, am so, and the "hold on tightly let go lightly" thing was unlikely to occur not now, not after my loss, and such a long time truly alone. There is learning here for me for sure. So I hope you might understand a bit more, and soften a bit. Andi it is not weakness, or a chink in the armor, the thing I ask of you, it is simply the right thing to do for me because you have known and do know I deserve both more and better treatment.

The sad or difficult thing is while there is so much we don't know about each other because we invested our time in intimacy under difficult circumstances, we also know each other impossibly well, in fact so well that it does burn a bit. Who else can either of us say that about? It really was just the beginning of something that had much promise however I now do believe this hard break up (well hard for me) was in fact very necessary--not to move on away from the us, but to clean it all out, to decontaminate, to get all the questions, and the answers and the other feelings out, then as you said "as more complete people" (though that term still bugs a bit), as open and honest and understanding people without fear, to come together and build new foundations upon the firm ground of intimate sharing. I know I needed to be free of fear, anxiety, pressure, sense of unavoidable loss, etc. and I needed to heal my mind body connection, and trust you sexually which I couldn't do then for obvious reasons. The wonderful thing is through it all I love you and it is such a real love that every time I want to let my old security blanket of anger and hatred serve me again, the love is there making that all go away. I want to be angry because it is easy-- as easy as sticking to a pattern and telling yourself that it is the right thing to do for yourself-- when the right thing is to be selfless and loving while building strength through independence. It is to believe in valuable things, the real, the deep, not the superficial and inconsequential. The self is maintained by not letting yourself get into trouble in the first place. "I don't know's" and "I feel bad" should rarely need to be uttered if you are aware of the self, and love the self. Being a good person is not about intention, it is about more than that, it is about honesty to self, and honesty in action, and that is hard for the best people out there. In the end the way is clear and not hard to follow.

The path of love is hard for those of us who are prone to weakness pretending it's strength. I know that I only wanted to be in a relationship I took totally seriously. I mean that at the highest level. People are fragile even when tough and I above all else respect myself, always. I will never enter into any kind of relationship, from simple friend or acquaintance, to friend, to lover, to love, lightly, it is far too easy to play those games and while there is learning there, there are many ways to learn about humans without damaging them, or yourself in the process. And I have years of being alone to prove it, because no matter where you go or who you surround yourself with or what you convince yourself of, you are always there, you can't run from your heart. I suppose you can try, but it seems like eventually you would learn that doesn't work, what the heck do I know? I was a warrior monk, a 34 year old virgin who trusted a girl, and gave his heart to her, let her take his innocence away, let her teach him so much, showed him beauty, and fear, and loss, and pain, and amazing care and love, who helped to restore much the war of life had taken from him, and she gave him something he never had, faith that a woman could find him attractive enough to act on it, and this damn thing makes me cry still. I love you Andi and I am sorry that love is so hard a thing for you, but I am here and true. Consider what I have said here, take me more seriously than you have because the tides of my feelings have calmed considerably and I am still jej, still your stringbean, I am, in fact I never haven't been, certainly much is changed but Andi it is you, you who run and hide, and sunder, and shift, I am the pup outside the store-- nothing more or less (except richer in painful learning) than I am. I am me.

shabat shalom

Ate some sourdough with peanut butter and drank some teas tea, ate some fresh mozarella and drank acai I feel better but I am so caught. This love is powerful and terrible. My hair has gone grayer, at least my body is strong and lean. So many paradoxes. I trust my knowledge of her. I see things I know she doesn't. . . and still the questions remain: If you were irresponsible and you gave up, when have you subsequently been responsible to me? Stop the excuses, the hiding, the running, stop your pattern, just stop. Andi I don't want to "get back together with you" or anything of the sort-- that is not in my conception of the possible-- you would have to be who you said you were-- and you aren't yet. But I do need to see you still and the reason for that is to learn something that you won't ever say because it doesn't fit with your process. The things that you said to me-- how many times have you said them before? Are you saying them still? God Andi thinking about all this makes me so sad, so sad for you and for me. I wish I could have provoked you to open up rather than close down. I hoped to inspire something in your heart and soul, something which would help you be more, do more. Not yet I guess. You have a way to go yet. I want to focus on my development but I honestly can't get away-- where do I run to, I can't run away from this love, I can't run from my heart. I don't expect that matters to you anymore. Wait that is bullshit-- I know it does. I will raise the bar. My expressions have been too simple, too contained-- I will do better I will write with brilliance and inspiration.

Thanks Issac hayes you were a black moses of sorts

Watching Adam Goldberg in Hebrew Hammer- that is a good movie for get to-- a game I may never play again. I need to swear now.

What is sacred to you? What matters to you?

Or my kingdom for a song.

I wrote a half a page here but what is the point. Until you see it, and feel it, and remember my worth, and my pain, and my words, and yours, and all you said you would Always do, it is fairly inconsequential. . . Time do your work. I really hope you can let go of your armor and see me as the man you loved once, or even "had love for." Damn I do not understand-- maybe you don't either. I hope you take the time to really learn about yourself, and love yourself. I need to give it all up, all of it. When you are ready. . .

Had another entry here.


I feel bleak and lost.

Renew my faith Andi, show your color, be what you Swore you would be.

Just reach out, tell me I matter. That is all I need. Easy.

That was heavy at work, I felt emotional for Sandro he is a big tough Mexican dude but man I could tell he was shaken and I felt it deep.

I went to the Museo and there were some really cool prints. Some of the Taller Michoacan prints were cool. The typewriter collection was really cool. . . .

I felt a very acute sense of something powerful as I walked around, memories flooded in, and I came to a serious realization about my love for Andi. It was more than I expected and I have expressed so much already and I feel strongly. I want to have a real unfettered chance at a relationship with her, from tabula rasa to something new, but this feeling was more than I had realized, it . . .I have thought about this before and said as much, but this, this was real feelings, out of nowhere. I don't know what will happen, I feel like burying this feeling until she and I can talk some time in the future, maybe it will never be said, no matter what it will have an impact on my life and my ability to move on. Or maybe I will reconcile it all and find peace. All I know at this point is this feeling is so strong, so pure, so real I feel like acting. But I can't. I must simply return to the now. Right now.

I love you Andi.

Oh prophecies and portents why am I here right now? And why did this flood of feelings have to rush out now? Ah well.

I had a pretty good day. I made you a small film with your old friend:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fj9E3Gvp2qQ


the original audio was Linus and Lucy by Vince Guaraldi but youtube automatically disabled audio so I subbed Dave Brubeck

this is just for you. You are special to me.

Frak. I wish this distance was not between us. . . I wish I had had eight hours a day too, and a chance to show you my world, my space, my stuff, the rest of me you never saw. . . .

But you did see my love, and my faith in you and that shines still.
Here are some pictures. I picked you some flowers. The christmas trees are out I snatched a bit of fir thinking of you and your love of things christmas. Oh god I do miss you. . . I hope you can come to terms with it all my dearest love, and one day find the path to your heart and through it, the path to mine.

It is twelve forty one I just felt a flash of the connection-- what happened?

After the museum I go back to play with boots. I think I will try to make a mini movie about something.

Let go the cold logic of intellect, feel what you feel toward me. . .
I will eventually (barring change in her worldview) let it all go, I will have to, have to confront the confundity of her choice, but I will wait methinks until all my predictions come true and based on everything-- they will come true for the most part. People point out: "look at her choices, look at her treatment of you" and all I can say is I know her, I know her pattern and her process, I know her fear and her pain and I saw it coming, "but, but" and I say and "I love her. . ." I am not like the rest and that hurts the most.

http://www.printingmuseum.org/index.php

going to see some typewriters at one.

Hey Andi, since you won't talk to me yet, you should send me a picture, preferably a very sexy picture, or tell me a story, or send me a movie, something to ease the time of no reply, something to ease the slide into knowing what I know and feeling what I feel and having to wait for the coming change. If you did I wouldn't reply if you didn't want me to. I would just cherish what you chose to share-- you said something about counterproductivity-- I can now only conclude that must have been meant to apply to you and your attempt to hide from your feelings. . . that confrontation with me now with cause your heart to beat again and reveal the truth. Let it beat

Sandro is okay, just shaken up the guy ran a stop sign and plowed into sandro. He had never been in an accident-- he was in a bit of shock. Man incidents like this drive home how important Andrea is to me. I don't want to lose her, I don't. I still see so much wrong I can't. . .man. The simple thing is I need to see, I want to see, I probably never will, probably-- I think she will never face that level of responsibility-- I will probably never gain the knowledge I seek-- but it is early, there is naught but time.

Damn Andi! Just come to me. Come! Look at all our moments, look and ask yourself the following: why do you have all our pictures still? Why are you reading this? You know why. . .I love you and I do truly desire you tambien.

Of course I know this meeting can happen when you feel you can-- I just want to challenge you, because no one ever does, no one. . .I love you. I do.

Also as reflected below Shane and I talked about things for a long time, obviously I need to work out things as much as I can because you won't/can't talk to me because you are afraid to, I got the distinct sense that he misses you but also knows your pattern (as observed with peck, and me) that you hang out and talk and then disappear. . . I just wanted you to know. I hope you really dig deep, look deep inside and wonder why you do this, why you treat people the way you do, why you think it is the right course-- I don't need these answers because I understand you, but you need to think about you own emotions and actions, I simply love you, I am still so surprised you were not true to your heart and your beliefs (even though you claim you are doing so). Anyway-- when you are ready, if you are, no when you are, I want to see you, gotta go there was an accident near my work with a coworker I need to go help.

And the answer to the song's question is we can't glow without it. . . .

I have thought about everything, your behavior toward the end, your relationships, your friendships and how you operate, and your decisions with me and all that you said and didn't say-- one thing is clear to me: you need to see me. It it really comes down to that. Now that there is distance I can see the way things touch you and move you and how you think you need to feel, because of this you really do need to see me. You will convince yourself of something that makes you conclude that you shouldn't but not only do you want to, you need to Andi, and I obviously need you to. As I have stated elsewhere-- it is a simple thing-- over a cup of tea perhaps, think of it as a holiday sense of openness and giving to me who could use such realness, but that is not why you really should-- you should because you need to see me, you need to reconcile it in your mind and that can only be done with my face before you. In fact this is such a simple thing the only thing that would cause you not to do it is conflict in yourself, conflict which of course has been there all along and still is, and still you hide from it, still you push it aside hoping it will go away, it might if you see me. . . Be committed, act assertively and then we will see? And I assure you Andi there is something to see, something we both need to see. The offer is there and I hope after you have calmed about my provocative actions a bit you will fairly consider it and act according to your real feelings and the complexity there and not the rigidity of your self-imposed rules. Even better than a meeting would be you admitting the truths of your heart and not being afraid. . . It still stands out how your keep morgan who still has feelings, brandon, etc. and yet you can't even see me at all-- the proof in all I say is contained in that. And you don't want to prove me wrong because you can't. In time regardless of what you learn or decide or do or don't do I will be a memory, but I am here right now and my love burns brightly for you. Were we to learn about each other and start again trying to be friends-- your forgone conclusion which you hold to wouldn't neccesarily come about-- and moreover my heart and my eyes are truly open now, and if we need to, after we had a real chance at something, we could leave stronger and at peace with a lasting, loving bond formed from truth not fears. I hope you search your heart and let go, give, and see what good comes to you for once in your relationship arc. I am still the only man that has ever made you feel it.

watch muppet bohemian rhapsody http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY I love you cooper! I like the bear and the bunny! and the bunnies!

Dreams, and sleepy time, you are firmly in my heart. . . I know it is hard. I do. I really do, but damn we can try, we really can. . . try for something. . .